Off Broadway ! ! The show must go on!

As you can see I get all the glamorous roles!! Nearly finished a run of 8 shows of various songs from all sorts of musicals. Initially I thought I might get a part in Cell Block Tango or All That Jazz but ended up as Mistress of the House, Aunt Ella in Oklahoma and Adelaide from Guys and Dolls when I murder Adelaides Lament! Last night I forgot my words so it was even more excruciating then usual!! It’s been hard work and I’ve had laryngitis and a chest infection throughout . …felt very sorry for myself!! Anyway after show parties are coming up tonight and tomorrow night. I drank last weekend when my girls came to see the show. so disappointed with myself because I’d Had 60 days .  There is just a link with meeting  up with my daughters and feeling I need to drink. It’s not even much and certainly not worth it. The girls love me being sober so I need to totally commit. I feel strong now and love my sober life even when I’m ill! Just wish I could stop the odd moment of madness. 

I read an interesting article saying  how not drinking let’s our real selves emerge. That’s scary at first but once you can accept it, you don’t have to hide behind the bottle . You also can cope better ironically because I find I’m so much less of a drama queen. Feeling shit passes eventually and letting it pass AF is a wonderful feeling! 

So I’m off to put my greasepaint on for the last two times and I’m  going to enjoy it. I’ve a feeling my am dram life may be coming to an end. Maybe I don’t need so much attention  after all!

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Home ….almost alone!!

About a month ago my gorgeous daughter returned from her far east travels, not to settle down and start a family as I’d secretly hoped but to save more dough to go back out travelling again, this time to Australia. It’s a strange set of feelings I have about this….slightly relieved as I’m far too young to be a granny as well as slightly disappointed! Overwhelmingly though I feel so glad that she is living her dream.I have to admit to being quite jealous when she first went off, she was getting to do all the things I dreamed of. But with more thought I realised how wonderful it is that she is able to have this opportunity.  She worked so hard to save the money to go and together with her boyfriend they planned and didn’t plan lots of great adventures, including a night trek in the jungle in Borneo with only an iPhone for light and sandals!! Anyhow after a week in Skiathos with a friend this year , I realised travelling is too much like hard work for more than 2 weeks a year so I’m over my envy!! Must be my age, any how the reason I’m telling you all this is that when she came back I gave her my car so she could find work . She is staying with her Nan 300 miles away .  So we are a 1 car household with my hubby cycling to work on his electric bike while I drive 10 miles in the opposite direction in the estate which until this week.I couldn’t park!! So this weekend hubby had to go away and my son and I are stranded 10 miles from a shop!! We have had a wonderful weekend. Don’t have to be anywhere coz we can’t and for the first time in years I have had a weekend in my home and sober!! It’s a bit like going on holiday where you are forced to relax!! Of course I should of started my essay for my ophthalmology course but hey…what’s the hurry!!

The latest show starts next weekend  with the local am dram company I’m in. It’s a journey through the musicals!! (Not my words)! In some cases it’s more of a car crash through but hey it’ll be a laugh. I can’t yet sing my song in tune despite numerous attempts but according  to the MD it’s ok coz it’s funny!! No place for bruised egos here!

As far as sobriety goes this year I have been sober the majority of the  time .  I can count on 2 hands how many times I have drank and this episode represents 21 days continously . Hubby has joined me!! What a difference having that support makes for each other but have to be wary we don’t waver at the same time. He is seeing such results in his work and energy levels but still finding sleep a problem. I’m starting to feel like it’s less likely I will go back to my old ways, the thought of wine turns my stomach but I still get that craving for something at wine o clock. Nothing really hits the spot so I just distract myself with food and tv till it passes any suggestions?

Last weekend I did my first Ultra marathon ! ! 33 miles in the Trossachs . ..sounds painful and it was. The  first 10 miles I was cursing everything and everyone ,  arguing with myself why I had entered in the first place. The middle 13 were euphoric ! ! I had the best ideas I’d had in years and loved everyone!! ( bit like being drunk !). The final 10 were tough, relentless route and at one point I thought I was going to die…. but soon rallied round and crawled over the finishing line in 6 hours 17 minutes 45 seconds. ….kinda wish I hadn’t stopped to take all them photos…Might of been quicker!

I have joined oneyearnobeer which I would recommend to anyone wanting support . They have a Facebook page which is closed and is great for instant support together with SWANS this is making me feel stronger in.my endeavours and able to support others !! 

So this is mad week for the show which starts next Saturday .  I’m very excited as I get to wear a fat suit and 5 wigs! pics to follow!

Miracle morningĀ 

Well I’m 43 days AF and today I have started the miracle morning! It’s a book by Hal Elrod. It basically says you should get up early and do all the stuff we say we are going to but never get round to, before 8am! It can be adjusted according to lifestyle of course. It centres on 6 SAVERS:

Silence or meditation

Affirmations,  basically finding things important to you to achieve and writing them down as if you have already achieved them or are about to. You need to look at why they are important to you. Then you should say them out loud! ! Mine were things like: I am a fantastic kind caring person!etc…not sure that’s right of course.
Visualisation.  You then spend 5 minutes or so visualising achieving the goals, easy bit visualising  living in a palace surrounded by family!! Sort of! Being healthy happy and debt free, more realistically!

Excerise! ! No explanation necessary at least 20 mins of! Did my getfitwithdavina workout.

Read : something to improve yourself 20 mins: I read more of the miracle morning today.

Scribe: write down something anything! Journaling either in a book or digitally,  which is what I’m doing today!

I’m knackered already and I’ve still got to walk the dog and go to work!!

40 days and 40 nights!!

I’m back !!! Managing really well this time, in part due to reading Thisu naked mind by Annie Grace and also joining One Year No Beer. This is a movement online that is gaining momentum and one I would readily recommend to anyone who wants to try living alcohol free for a while or forever!! It has been set up by 2 guys Ruari Fairbairns and Andy Ramage.  It has its own facebook page whereby there is so much support.   The aim of this “movement ” is to start a sea change in how we see alcohol in our lives and how we can live fantastically full lives without it. There are social meet up s in certain places bit there are folk from all over the world taking part. Once you sign up,  free daily emails are sent to help you through the first 90 days and they suggest you set yourself a physical challenge to work towards so it’s mind and body working together to be healthy and happy. The online community is so supportive and I would urge anyone who wants to try it to do so! It’s free and it’s fantastic! 

Everytime I feel the craving to drink I have posted and received support and I think I am beginning to look more long term. I’m still a misery guts at times but I know drinking will only make things worse! I feel a sense of freedom which is the essence of the Annie Grace book. 

In 2 weeks time however my resolve will be severely tested when I go on a weeks holiday to Greece with my heavy drinking friend!  It doesn’t help that the island that we are going to has a six foot long runway and I’m not a good flier so God knows how I’ll cope with that without a drink, but I’m sure I’ll try!! My friend has just informed me her snoring is so bad that when her 2 yr old grandson comes to stay he takes himself to his own room to avoid the noise. One day she said she awoke thinking there was a wild animal in her room only to realise it was her snoring! So I’ve bought 10 sets of earplugs and downloaded a lot of meditation apps!! 

I’m also in the process of training for an ultra marathon in November but as I’m so far behind I’ve had to ramp up the training and now have sciatica!! I’ve got a course to finish essays and exams while working full time and some and I’m supposed to be in the local am dram show! It’s too much I’m making myself ill!!

Anyway I’m sober that’s the main thing!!

Fish and chips Friday!

Well, it’s 8pm on  a Friday and I’m stuffed after eating far too many chips with my fish!! Lovely.  My treat instead of the usual wine o clock at this time.  I’m going to work on the healthy eating once I’ve a few months under my belt.  I’m reading This Naked Mind by Annie Grace and it is totally helping me understand how and why we drink and how stopping is freedom and not something to be endured. Which is what I have been doing everytime I have tried to stop before. It’s learning that it is my journey and I know from experience never has it been a good idea to drink. Too little is not enough and too much is disaster.  She describes well the process of how alcohol metabolises in the body , releasing insulin which lowers the blood sugar requiring more alcohol but we are forever chasing that feel good moment we had during the first 20 minutes of drinking. She also argues that we don’t have to feel we are suffering by not drinking that we are giving something up when in fact we are doing the reverse. We are also fooled into drinking by media, advertising and the idea that there are normal drinkers and we are abnormal. We didn’t need drink to be happy for example when we were children. We had to force ourselves to like drinking it is in fact going against what our bodies need!! Today I read an article that links at least 7 cancers with alcohol from the larynx to the rectum and all places imbetween.  It’s hardly a surprise.  Cancers are caused by an overgrowth of abnormal cells often originating from chronic inflammation.  Alcohol chronically inflames the tissues it’s often just a matter of genetic luck if it triggers a tumour or not. I know most people don’t care about their health when they are actively drinking but being sober and feeling good at the moment this information helps reinforce my determination to live sober. So I will plod on. My aim is to go on my holiday to Greece in September and do it alcohol free. I’m prepping!

This weekend I hope to run on Saturday and go hillwalking Sunday can’t do those hungover that’s for sure!

Shit happens

Sometimes you just have to take stock and be grateful for what you have. This week various things have happened. My mother in law who has dementia is probably going to have to go into residential care. She lives 3 hours away so there is a limit to what we can do.  Although there is an expectation by other family members we should do more. My husbands cousin who has lived with us since she was 12 and  lost her parents, is now nearly 20 and living in her own flat. She is harbouring a lot of resentments towards us as we have moved into her old bedroom even though she has been living away for over a year. Anyway these two things led me to drink on Thursday after a dry spell. I’m back off it again but being off work seems to be a trigger and I have been on holiday from work but just at home. None of us is perfect in life and I’m trying really hard to be kind and patient but my nature isn’t always so. Just human. So now I’m reading This Naked Mind. Going to run today and finish renovating some furniture. Going to try 5:2 this weekend. I can’t change the past although I often wish I could bit I can be a better person. We all can. Let’s give it a try!!

At least the torrential rain today is good for the  flowers !

Week 3 begins!!

Well its been touch and go since the referendum result. I nearly caved in on several occasions but I didn’t.  I found when the cravings came I was able to think it through and push back the decision, sometimes for only an hour, but it was enough to win through!! With all this nervous energy instead of sitting in a haze of wine fuelled oblivion. I got things done!! Yesterday I ran 7 miles in the beautiful forest of Ae . We normally trot round in a leisurely fashion but we got there to find a motor rally was due to start I  just over an hour so it was a race against time. We rewarded ourselves with a cake but for some reason I couldn’t eat it!!! It made me feel sick…whats wrong with me??? I’ve given up alcohol and now my last bastion of comfort…sugar isn’t doing it for me now!!
Got home and my house is a tip. I work long days and never have the energy in the week to do more than wash the dishes and make the bed so it’s apocalyptic by the weekend. I decided to change the beds around as my son’s one was knackered. This entailed having to actually venture in what looked like the black hole of calcutta. I knew once the bed was away there was no going back. 14 years of shite had to be systematically gone through. The difference this time as opposed to every other years both my son and I could actually part with stuff. 9 hours ……Yes 9 HOURS later we had filled the car 3 x over with stuff for the dump. Sorted out enough for a car boot sale next week and totally revamped his room. I have put my back out, my husband moaned throughout and took to drink early on and my son is now sitting  in his room terrified to touch anything as he has been threatened with his life if I ever have to do that again!! So glad I had the energy for all that.
I’ve decided I’m going to be Buddhist about the referendum result and just accept it.  I did post a lot of stuff after on Facebook but it just winds folk up and it’s not worth it. That sort of thing could mess with my sobriety and that is my number one priority just now.