Well, it’s 8pm on a Friday and I’m stuffed after eating far too many chips with my fish!! Lovely. My treat instead of the usual wine o clock at this time. I’m going to work on the healthy eating once I’ve a few months under my belt. I’m reading This Naked Mind by Annie Grace and it is totally helping me understand how and why we drink and how stopping is freedom and not something to be endured. Which is what I have been doing everytime I have tried to stop before. It’s learning that it is my journey and I know from experience never has it been a good idea to drink. Too little is not enough and too much is disaster. She describes well the process of how alcohol metabolises in the body , releasing insulin which lowers the blood sugar requiring more alcohol but we are forever chasing that feel good moment we had during the first 20 minutes of drinking. She also argues that we don’t have to feel we are suffering by not drinking that we are giving something up when in fact we are doing the reverse. We are also fooled into drinking by media, advertising and the idea that there are normal drinkers and we are abnormal. We didn’t need drink to be happy for example when we were children. We had to force ourselves to like drinking it is in fact going against what our bodies need!! Today I read an article that links at least 7 cancers with alcohol from the larynx to the rectum and all places imbetween. It’s hardly a surprise. Cancers are caused by an overgrowth of abnormal cells often originating from chronic inflammation. Alcohol chronically inflames the tissues it’s often just a matter of genetic luck if it triggers a tumour or not. I know most people don’t care about their health when they are actively drinking but being sober and feeling good at the moment this information helps reinforce my determination to live sober. So I will plod on. My aim is to go on my holiday to Greece in September and do it alcohol free. I’m prepping!
This weekend I hope to run on Saturday and go hillwalking Sunday can’t do those hungover that’s for sure!
Sometimes you just have to take stock and be grateful for what you have. This week various things have happened. My mother in law who has dementia is probably going to have to go into residential care. She lives 3 hours away so there is a limit to what we can do. Although there is an expectation by other family members we should do more. My husbands cousin who has lived with us since she was 12 and lost her parents, is now nearly 20 and living in her own flat. She is harbouring a lot of resentments towards us as we have moved into her old bedroom even though she has been living away for over a year. Anyway these two things led me to drink on Thursday after a dry spell. I’m back off it again but being off work seems to be a trigger and I have been on holiday from work but just at home. None of us is perfect in life and I’m trying really hard to be kind and patient but my nature isn’t always so. Just human. So now I’m reading This Naked Mind. Going to run today and finish renovating some furniture. Going to try 5:2 this weekend. I can’t change the past although I often wish I could bit I can be a better person. We all can. Let’s give it a try!!
At least the torrential rain today is good for the flowers !
Well its been touch and go since the referendum result. I nearly caved in on several occasions but I didn’t. I found when the cravings came I was able to think it through and push back the decision, sometimes for only an hour, but it was enough to win through!! With all this nervous energy instead of sitting in a haze of wine fuelled oblivion. I got things done!! Yesterday I ran 7 miles in the beautiful forest of Ae . We normally trot round in a leisurely fashion but we got there to find a motor rally was due to start I just over an hour so it was a race against time. We rewarded ourselves with a cake but for some reason I couldn’t eat it!!! It made me feel sick…whats wrong with me??? I’ve given up alcohol and now my last bastion of comfort…sugar isn’t doing it for me now!!
Got home and my house is a tip. I work long days and never have the energy in the week to do more than wash the dishes and make the bed so it’s apocalyptic by the weekend. I decided to change the beds around as my son’s one was knackered. This entailed having to actually venture in what looked like the black hole of calcutta. I knew once the bed was away there was no going back. 14 years of shite had to be systematically gone through. The difference this time as opposed to every other years both my son and I could actually part with stuff. 9 hours ……Yes 9 HOURS later we had filled the car 3 x over with stuff for the dump. Sorted out enough for a car boot sale next week and totally revamped his room. I have put my back out, my husband moaned throughout and took to drink early on and my son is now sitting in his room terrified to touch anything as he has been threatened with his life if I ever have to do that again!! So glad I had the energy for all that.
I’ve decided I’m going to be Buddhist about the referendum result and just accept it. I did post a lot of stuff after on Facebook but it just winds folk up and it’s not worth it. That sort of thing could mess with my sobriety and that is my number one priority just now.
Last night the OH mentioned he hadn’t had a drink since the weekend, admittedly it was only Tuesday but if you knew my OH you would know that to be an achievement. I had mentioned One Year No Beer, which is one website that I follow as I thought it was something he could identify with. The positivity of seeing other guys stop drinking and get there shit together. Women are on it too but it is run by 2 guys and I thought it might appeal. When I first mentioned it last week he was pissed and told me to leave him alone. The next day he must of given it some thought, because he said he would take a look. So he has done 2 days. Not sure how long it will last but you never know! !
I managed a run and a dog walk before work. Felt good in the morning but started to flag about 3pm. House is a pigsty and likely to stay that way until the weekend. It’s overwhelming all that needs to be done in this house it’s got damp and needs decorating and my husband insists doing it all despite not having a clue how to do it. Anyway we bought it in a moment of madness and we just can’t afford to maintain or improve it. It’s a real worry for me to be honest. Anyhow I’ll stop going on about it because at least we live in a nice part of the world and have jobs. Got to be grateful.
Tonight my son and I are off to the local high schools production of the Addams Family! ! At least there will be ice cream!!
Back to work after my busy weekend and I hit a wall about 5.30 tonight. Wanted to run, clean the kitchen cupboards, do loads of stuff but found myself lying on my bed for “5 mins”, fast forward and I wake up 2 hours later. Totally knackered. Thought about trying to get up and do some sort of exercise, even just walking the dog but had to just say enough!! The weekend has taken its toll and I need to rest. Start again tomorrow.
In the past when I have successfully navigated my way through special occasions sober, I have found that the sense of achievement and relief brings with it something else…..danger!! I don’t know if it’s complacency or over confidence but this is when I’m likely to drink. It’s a bit like Christmas day, I very rarely overeat on Christmas day but to celebrate that fact I eat like a horse boxing day. I need to be vigilant!
I got into my car this morning after driving my husbands car over the weekend. He had had mine. I turned the ignition to find there was so little fuel in it, it was touch and go if I could make the 10 mile journey to work without conking out. There are no petrol stations en route, I was so angry. I had made sure there was fuel in his when I returned it but he thinks so little of me he couldn’t return the favour. On my journey to work I fantasised leaving him, getting my own place etc. That would show him! Anyhow by the time I got to work I had calmed down… He had paid for the fuel I used to go on our road trip after all. It’s just relationships rich tapestry of trying to get through life with a partner without one of us killing the other! I hope I get that lottery win soon!!
I don’t know if anyone noticed but there’s a referendum on Thursday. When I was in Essex, surprise surprise all I could see from one end of the county to the other were big red LEAVE signs. Scary. I don’t want to blog politics particularly as I don’t know enough about it but I’m shocked and a bit worried now. Being in Scotland I hadn’t realised how divided the UK is and how many folk are prepared to risk unity, economy, peace and even equality because immigration scares people so much. Leaving the EU is not going to stop migration. The world is changing and we have to change with it but not by cutting ourselves off. One look at who’s leading the leave campaign is enough for me to know I want to stay! Rant over!
I would like to take the opportunity to thank all the people who have commented over the last few days. As you know I had a challenging weekend away when caving into temptation was a real possibility. Instead, it’s Monday morning and I’m sitting in bed with a cup of tea and NO hangover!! It was touch and go on several occasions! Yesterday I bought af wine for the first time to stop me drinking at my dad’s. My dad was already sipping away on his allocated 4 beers, he has had to reduce the alcohol content below 4% as anything above that makes him nasty and my step mum had threatened to leave him. Might try that with my old man!! My step mum has a glass of wine a day as part of the calorie controlled diet she has been on since 1976. Although she went a bit mad yesterday and had 2. She is so lovely, looks fantastic but so controlled. I was a bag of nerves we would break something as everything she gave us was handed over with the proviso that we “don’t break it”! Items included crystal wine glasses and the wii board my son was lent to keep him amused!! I went for a run around Mersea island and that was wonderful and later on my step mum my son and myself went for a lovely walk along the coast where we peered in all the millionaires houses and criticised various gardens and new builds with swimming pools! Great fun! Once again as we passed the oyster shed, I vowed to return one day and eat there (been saying that for about 20 years!). My son is fascinated with the architecture of the houses in Essex and Norfolk, so pretty and quaint. Very different to the practical starkness of old buildings in the southwest of Scotland. It’s been a lovely few days. I’ve seen the people I love and done so without making an arse of myself. As I set off on the long journey home safe in the knowledge I won’t have to worry I get breathalysed, I pray that my driving has improved from friday and the sat nav stays plugged in… its wire stretched taut as the only way to get it to work is to use the plug in boot!!
No not mine! I think more than 3 would be greedy! ! Well after a fairly sound if not short sleep in the shepherds hut in my brothers garden, we got ready for the wedding. So pleased I didn’t cave in to the wine last night. So instead of doing what I usually do when I visit my brother and his family, which is, get up with hangover and impending sense I’ve said something I shouldn’t have, I woke happy and relieved I wasn’t having to worry if I was still over the limit to drive.
It was a two hour drive from Norfolk to Essex and the wedding. We made it just in time. It was in a mediaeval church in a tiny village and was bedecked in the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen
The ceremony included a communion as the bride had recently been confirmed a Christian. Although I’m not religious it was very moving. My son who is 13 said he still prefers Sikhism (he’s studying it in RE!). After, there was tea and a picnic in the grounds. Ate lots of gorgeous cakes and sandwiches THEN the prosseco was passed around for the toast. I had a moment…. I refused saying I was driving then everyone said it’s ok to have one and drive as that’s what they were doing, so I took a glass. In Scotland, where I now live the drink driving laws are stricter so no one risks “just one”. For a mad moment I thought coz I was in England I should take advantage of this! So I stood holding it NOT drinking it while the speeches were delivered… which was quite some time as the best man was also the grooms dad and he gave his life story !! Anyhow I raised my glass for the toast. …and still didn’t drink it. It’s allure in fact, seemed to be passing and as I stood for a while , I realised I wasn’t going to drink it. In fact my son and I then left and I gave it to a woman so not to waste it and went to the b and b and had a cup of tea!!
We went back to the reception and I knew I was not going to be tempted. Everyone was drunk and after a few hours we left, knackered but happy I got through it. I looked at my messages to see my step mum had sent a message to say she had the wine ready for our stay tomorrow. ….here we go again!
By the way I got the parts for my audition!! Adelaides lament from guys and dolls, master of the house from les mis and lida rose from the music Man! !! Soo pleased!!